Sakura blossoms in the Stars

I seem to do this in a 3 month span I notice. That's ok. Hardly anyone really reads this anyway. It's strange though. I never really thought I'd feel so down. I mean, life's ok, better with Chelsea in it, but yet, everything seems so black and white. Almost like I'm watching life through a faded glass mug, while on novacane...

Wish I could figure out what's wrong this time. It seems like I keep finding myself more and more down and depressed the more and more happy I should be. Maybe I'm missing something, some sort of clue that I should know about. I dunno. Maybe it's all just in my mind.

Wow. When was the last time I posted in this? There's been so much that's happened in the past few months that I don't know where to start.

Let me tell you about Chelsea. She's the love of my life, and the star that my world revolves around. We've been dating for almost 2 months now, and still, everytime I'm around her, I'm still on cloud nine. With school starting, I won't be able to see her that much, but I'm sure that we'll make it work out.

I really didn't think I'd find love anymore, until she turned around and asked me out. I still feel special everytime I think about it. She's so caring, so loving, and we just match each other. I find myself wondering about marrage now, and although it's too early to even think about it, wonder what kind of husband I'd be.

It's weird you know... I don't know where I want to go with my life. There's so much I want to do... Write, draw, create, etc, but everytime I try to do something, I loose all my creativity. I don't ever sleep well anymore... I usually can't sleep until late at night, or even the early morning. I'm nervous, irritable, even depressed sometimes, and I can't figure out why... I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore, and even then, I'm not even sure what to do about it.

I don't know where to go anymore. It feels like everything's slipping away from me, almost like I don't have control of my life anymore. I feel like I'm in a daze most of the time, like I'm watching life through someone else's eyes, and it bothers me. I spend most of my time trying to figure out why I feel this way, knowing that I wouldn't be able to change myself... Or so I've lead myself to believe...

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm so reluctant to change my life. As much as I want to, I can't find the motive to do so. It feels like everyone's putting weight on my shoulders, so much that I can't move away from the things that I want to get away from. There are things that I don't even know are real anymore. Take love for example. I feel like there's a girl that I do love, but she's so far away from me, that I don't know if it's just love, or just lust. Maybe even both, if that's possible.

Makes me wonder what exactly is love. Is it something you can reach out and grab? Or maybe it's something you can't see or touch. Could it even be something that's not real? I don't know anymore. As I sit here, I wonder why my heart aches, and wonder what I can do to solve this longing, only to know that I can't do anything about it, unless I can figure out myself.

Ever had a dream that you swore was so real that you could feel it? I had one this morning that kind of stayed with me all day. In it, I had met a girl named Christina, and she just seemed so real to me. I just can't get that dream out of my head. It just seemed so real, the way she was talking to me, the way she was holding onto my hand, it felt like I was really there, and not just in bed dreaming. It even seemed so real because she was hiding from her parents, because she wanted to go out and party for the night. Even the things she said were so realistic, that I almost wish that I knew if I was really dreaming, or just imagining the whole thing up.

Who Am I kidding right?

Why would I be so lucky to find the girl of my dreams....

Yeah. I haven't touched this thing in awhile... Haven't had much to really talk about, or at least nothing I really want to have anyone read. But, since I refuse to make a private blog just to write down shit that's in my head, that's where it's going to stay.

Where to start... I finally got a job, although, I'm not liking how it's putting stress on my legs. Oh well. Fuck me. Guess I just need to "toughen up" right? Yeah. I guess that sounds about right. Haven't exactly kept up with anyone that's not online, so I'm not even sure what's going on outside sometimes. Go to work, come home, get online. That's pretty much my routine now. Not much really intrests me now. Not anything on TV, hardly anything in the world of Anime and Video Games, except for a few things.

All the things that do intrest me only hold my intrest for a short time, before they bore me. Guess that's why I come online sometimes. But, now days, with crap like people bitching about file sharing, online predators, crap like that, well, it just makes coming online irritating sometimes. But, seeing that I have nothing else to do, my only escape is on the internet. It's better than having people coming up to me to question my sexuality, or to just ask stupid questions in general.

There comes a point in your life, when you realize that you're not a kid anymore. You realize that you have to make decisions for yourself. Somehow, it feels like that doesn't even apply to me. I'm not sure what's real and what's not anymore sometimes. I know reality from fantasy, don't get me wrong, but it just feels like the things that I know are real just don't seem real, and it doesn't seem like the things that aren't real really aren't that real. It almost feels like someone's putting their hands over my eyes, and my mind is making up a totally new reality for me to believe.

Honor: You are an honorable person who is firm with
his/her beliefs and treats others as you are
treated. People would consider you humble at
times and very respectful, and someone to
definitely respect back.


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It's only been a couple of days since Mom's wake. I'm not sure how to really react anymore. I keep standing up, expecting her to be in her bedroom, or somewhere around the house. I'm trying to get my life back together, and biting my tongue whenever someone says something that I don't like, just because I don't want to put the household into even more turmoil.

I feel like this is just a bad dream. I knew that it was going to happen sooner or later, but yet, I just didn't think that it would be so soon. I find myself trying to keep myself busy, trying not to think of anything that's been going on for the past week or so. I know that I need to come to terms with what happened, and I have. I just don't want to waste time crying my life away when I've done it for so long already.

I'm not sure what else to really say anymore. I'm not sure what to believe anymore. But, life goes on. Eventually...